My thoughts ...

GOD ... it's been over a year since I've even been on here ... what the hell happened ... I mean ... I know that I wasn't exactly consistent, but JEEZ ... 57 weeks is a long time to not post an entry.

Well, let's get down to it then ... what's new?

I'm married (yeah, I married Rob) ... oh that's great. He's a bigger dick to me while I'm married to him than he was when I was just someone for him to fuck. He's in Korea right now, living it up with his single life and I'm here ... PREGNANT. Yeah, he just happened to successfully plant his seed before he left for Korea.

Now, let me get one thing straight here. I'm not angry with him because he got moved to Korea. I don't care about that. I would rather that we be separated now than later in our marriage or relationship. And I would rather that he miss the pregnancy than the first steps and first day of school and all that ... but now comes the part that pisses me off.

Before he left for Korea, we fought ... and we fought frequently. Now when we fought, we broke shit and destroyed the house. There are fist holes in the door and shit like that. Now, I have to clear this house on post. It's already going to cost me around 500 just to hire the cleaning team (and that's not because my house is dirty ... it's because that is the set price for this type of house). Now I have to pay for 3 broken worthless doors. That's going to cost me between 200 and 300 ... so that's about 800 dollars. And wouldn't you know? Rob got paid and spent (guess) 800 dollars on worthless shit. OK ... Gortex ... yeah, he needed that. 150 dollars. TV ... MAYBE ... he could have just bought a laptop for now ... but whatever ... but he spent 250 dollars on the TV. So that's 400 dollars right? WHERE DID THE REST GO? I'll tell you ... booze and going out and worthless shit that he didn't need. That's what it went to. And he was just telling me how BROKE he was because he wasn't getting paid right.

Riiiiiiiiiight.

Whatever.

Let me stop here. Rob pays bills ... ok ... he pays ... DirecTV ... uh ... DirecTV ... uh ... oh his credit card (which he said that he hasn't used but conveniently has). He pays for half of the car (which doesn't even count because he NEVER even SEES that money ... it comes out automatically).

I pay: the other half of the car (150), the insurance (130), the credit cards that I have - which were from buying furniture for our house and GAS for the car - (roughly 350 a month for all of them), the phone/internet for the house (between 100 and 120), my cell phone (about 120 a month), and I have to put groceries in the house, take care of the cats, clean the house, feed myself and my fetus, go to work every day (including weekends - which he gets off unless he's at gunnery), pull duty, go to the field, make sure that I get my orders to leave here in time, start clearing and packing up all of OUR shit, PAY for the house to be cleaned (because here ... if you clean it yourself even if it's spotless it's not good enough ... just pay it), PAY for the damages to the house, and shop for presents for the family (both mine and his) for Christmas.

Yeah, and he's whining because he's out drinking with his buddies. POOR BABY. I can't even drink or smoke or have anything that might calm my nerves or take away a headache unless it's Tylenol. THAT'S IT. NOTHING. I'm the one that's still making sacrifices ... and I'm tired of it. He never does anything to help our relationship. NOTHING. OH, when he was home, he put the dishes in the dishwasher. OOOH. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I'm tired of doing everything BY MYSELF. That's not what it's supposed to be like. It's supposed to be 50/50, and it's nowhere near that. It's more like 100/0 with me putting everything in and him nothing. Now I'm not angry that he's missing the pregnancy, but I AM angry that he doesn't care that he's missing anything. He doesn't give a shit. He says that he cares and then he just goes out and blows money on nothing. WOW. That's caring.

I don't want to be THAT person ... the person that is ALWAYS worried about money. I put at least 100-200 dollars in SAVINGS every month just so that my child can have clothes and diapers and food and shit. But he doesn't think about that. I guess he thinks that babies just get shit out and take care of themselves. Babies are EXPENSIVE. We should have started saving money about .. oh ... I don't know ... 9 months ago when we got married? But noooooooooo. He doesn't need to save any money. He makes JUST ENOUGH to take care of everything ... so he thinks. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck. I want to be COMFORTABLE. I don't want to fucking be struggling until the 1st or the 15th. That's not me. I've been there and done that. I'm tired of doing that. I want to LIVE with my child. I want to be able to just go to the store and buy my child something when I want to. I want to be able to give my child things that I didn't have.

God knows that I don't want his fucking mother's help. Yeah, she's really helpful. She doesn't care about anything but making sure that everyone cares about her. For God's sake, she said that she loved one of her grandchildren better than another one. What the fuck? What kind of person is that? Even MY mother doesn't say shit like that and she's not the brightest bulb in the box if you catch my drift. She doesn't hold things back. My mother is excited that I'm having another grandchild for her. She wants to buy this baby just as many presents as his/her cousins (my brother's kids). And my father is so damn excited that his health is improving. Jesus ... what the hell is wrong with people?

I don't know .. I think that I just need to get on the road and start driving and not stop until I get home. I think that's the only damn solution.

Well ladies and gentlemen ... well, lady ... lol. I think that Wendi is the only person who actually cares to read this, so I'll just basically go over what's been going on in my life. I am back from Ass-crack-istan (YAY FOR ME!!!) finally ... got back around a month ago. After returning, I reconciled with Rob ... we had a little spiel in our relationship, but now we are over it, and we have moved FAR forward. Not too long after returning to THIS wonderful desert, I was sent out to the field for 2 weeks, and in about another 2 weeks, I will be going to Washington state for school ... required by the Army, so I HAVE to go. Oh well I guess ... I'll be back in a month. :) Well, not much is really going on right now. :) This is about it. By the time I post my next blog, I will more than likely be married ... YAY!!! Talk to you folks later!!

Well, I was going to get on MySpace and blog a little bit, and then it wouldn't let me, so I was going to get on Yahoo 360 to do it, and again, it wouldn't let me, so I have decided to go ahead and write in here. I will more than likely be re-posting on one or both of the aforementioned sites, but for now, I will tell my LiveJournal readers.

I am back in the United States right now, currently waiting at Ft. Benning to leave back to California. After Cali, I will be going home to Alabama to spend some time with my family, and then it's back to work. I'm not really all that excited yet. I just cleared CIF here at Benning, which means that I turned in all of my gear and everything so that I don't have to pay for all of the shit. It took me like a week and a half to get out of foreign countries, and back to the states, so I'm happy about that. I thought that when I got back to the states in general that I would be happy, but I remember how much I really hate this place now. It sucks because I have horrible cell phone reception, and I would like to talk to my family and friends, and another certain individual ... :)

Currently, I have about 30 min before I find out about my flight or anything, so I'm just kind of hanging out. I'm sad that I can't access MySpace, because I would really like to check my messages on there ... I didn't get to tell everyone that I was in the states. I just want to go HOME. LOL. Yeah, it shouldn't be that long, though, so I'm not going to really worry about it too much. I am just going to try to relax and get ready to get the hell out of here. :) Anyways, I think that I'll go for now. That's about all that is on my mind ... except for that one certain individual that I mentioned earlier. ;) Damn the field ...

Well, it's official now .. I will be hitting the states in one week ... I'm so excited that I can barely stand it!!! I've been here long enough, and I'm ready to get home and do something with this hair of mine. Putting it up every day is killing me. ^_^ LOL. Nah, I just want to get home and relax and try to be calm and not stress out. It's time to leave Afghanistan, and though I've made some very good friends here, I also need to get back home now. It's time to see my family and friends back home, because I miss the shit out of them, and I haven't seen them in almost a year! TIME TO GO!!

Notice me, take my hand
Why are we strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me

Everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I make believe that you are here
It's the only way I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry

At night I pray
That soon your face will fade away

And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby




I can’t remember why we fell apart
From something that was so meant to be, yeah
Forever was the promise in our hearts
Now, more and more I wonder where you are

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

Still have your picture in a frame
Hear your footsteps down the hall
I swear I hear your voice, driving me insane
How I wish that you would call
To say

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

I miss you
I miss you
(no more) loneliness and heartache
(no more) crying myself to sleep
(don’t want no more) wondering about tomorrow
Won’t you come back to me
Come back to me, oh

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

Do I ever cross your mind, anytime
Do you ever wake up reaching out for me
Do I ever cross your mind anytime
I miss you

I miss you
I miss you
I miss you

You know, I've been sitting here all day, just thinking ... what should I do today? Today is my day off ... the only thing I normally do today is go to church, and I'm not so sure that I even want to do that today.

There has been a big change in the way that everything is going at my church. Not that I don't love God, and I don't want to praise Him ... I just don't feel as if the other people there are in the same boat with me. They all seem to perpetrate while they are there. I mean, we come to church together and sing together and worship and fellowship together ... even sit next to one another every Sunday ... and then the other person goes to the DINNER TABLE and talks about everyone in the church.

It's amazing how hypocritical people can be. I know that right now, it's like I'm no better just talking about how bad they talk about people, but I just feel as if I've been cheated for my faith. Is everyone so bad these days that they no longer TRULY worship? I feel as if sometimes, I'm all alone in believing.

I can't ask other people to come to the church that I attend, when I don't even want to go myself!

So other than that, I would really like to go home now. NOW. NOW NOW NOW. I'm so tired of this place ... seeing the same old things ... the same people all the time ... doing the same thing every day. It gets so monotonous, and I just don't want to do it anymore. I really want to just come home and be in the midst of the people that I love. I am hoping that I will be home in August. It's getting close, and it seems as though the days are going by slower and slower for me. I just want to sit down with my friends and family and relax for a change. I think that it's time for me to just go home! I mean, I've been here for over 6 months, and I don't really want to do anything else here. There is really no purpose for me to be here anyway. I'm not doing anything but sitting on my ass, and I don't really want to do that anymore. I'm wasting my time and the Army's money. There's no sense in that.

Well, I've been working through a lot of shit here lately. I mean, I'm back in the shithole of the world, and I'm constantly tired from constantly working. I know I shouldn't complain, but that's how I'm feeling right now, so I'm going to vent. There's some shit going on around here that I don't really have the clearance to talk or know about, and I don't want to know ... The other day, there were mortars coming in. I could fucking hear them right near me. The funny thing is that I didn't do anything. I was so used to fucking hearing them that I just shrugged it off. I knew what the hell it was, and I didn't care. Is that bad? I mean, we were being attacked, and it happens so often now that I don't even notice it! I just got accustomed to it? What the fuck, man? I need to get the hell out of here. I mean, I don't think that I'm in any kind of immenent danger, but shit ... I don't really want to sleep with a rifle at night. I don't want to wake up every 2 or 3 hours because I can't sleep anymore. Plus, now I'm starting to think about shit in the past. I mean, yeah ... it's probably my fault in some way for the shit that happened while I was back at Irwin. Maybe I shouldn't have hung out with those people. Maybe I shouldn't have been nice to them. Maybe I should've been more of a bitch. But when someone comes to your room at 3 in the morning crying because his best friend is in Iraq and he's not taking it well, what would you do? Would you tell him "suck it up mother fucker. shit happens." OR, would you let him in and listen to him and try to calm him down. Yeah, then he talks shit about you and calls you a whore and says all kinds of nasty things about you. But, then again, you forgive him. You forgive him because yeah, somewhere back there, you kind of had feelings for him. You liked it when you fell asleep in his arms. You liked it when he was sweet and when you joked around with him. You liked it when you guys were just cool, when you were just hanging out, when he didn't want more than that. You even liked it when he and his girlfriend broke up and you were there for him when no one else was. You liked it when he wanted to take you out. You liked it when he wanted to date you. You liked it when he was there. And now, he talks shit. And he did it the whole time. And you hate yourself for being such a fool. You hate yourself for even being around those fuckers. You hate yourself for being there for him when he wasn't there for you. You hate yourself because for some damn reason, you can't hate him as much as you want to. You hate yourself for being so damn forgiving, and you want to just explode!

And now, I'm back from leave. Who did I see while I was home on leave? HIM. Yeah, the one I was talking about. And who else? The person that you cared for deeply. The person who was there to fill that void ... the person who supported you in everything ... the person who let you down. And what did he have to say? He just talked shit. Yeah, he said he missed me. Of course he did. But mainly, he missed the sex. I'm no fool ... it all goes sour when I'm not there. After I left, he just left the part of himself that cared (if there ever was one) with me. He sent me away thinking that he really cared, thinking that he would be there for me. And now I'm finally getting this all off of my chest. FINALLY, I'm going to let it all go, because I've been holding on to it for so long. I've kept this all bottled inside, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of pretending that I was okay with it all. Because I wasn't. I wasn't okay. Not at all. I wasn't okay with anything. I kept it all bottled up inside of me, and I hate myself for doing that. BUT, now I'm going to rectify all of that. I'm going to let it all go.

I don't have to use names. The only person who is going to read this (probably) knows who they are, and if she doesn't, then she can ask me. I'll tell her, but no one needs to know names on here. This will all be anonymous. Well, I was tired of people walking all over me. I just wanted to fit in. I just wanted to hang out with the people that I was going to be working with. I just wanted to be close to some people that I would have to see every day. I just wanted to be friends. I just wanted to be a part of your group. I'm sorry that I've never really had that. So yeah, I did it. I hung out with guys, but I didn't sleep with them. Not like everyone says. No, I didn't sleep with them all. Fuckers. I'm not like that. I mean, I have a little bit more respect for my body than you guys do. I don't even think that it's worth justifying to tell anyone who I did and did not sleep with. I know, and that's all that matters. Yeah, it pissed me off that you talked about me. Yeah it pissed me off that I didn't want to go to work. Yeah it pissed me off that I would hear whispers from people that I didn't know about me. Yeah it pissed me off that I cried myself to sleep for 3 months. Yeah it pissed me off that I just wanted to kill myself but I couldn't because I was too busy taking care of YOU and YOUR problems. Yeah, it pissed me off that I cared about both of you. Yeah, it pissed me off that you made me choose. Yeah, it pissed me off that I picked you. Yeah, it pissed me off that I put myself out on the line and snuck around to be with you because I was stupid. Yeah, it pissed me off ... THEN. NOW? Guess who's laughing now motherfuckers?

Yeah, I was happy when I was with you, but when I wasn't with you at the moment, I thought constantly that I shouldn't be. That's because we weren't meant to be together. We weren't meant to have a relationship. We were not right for one another. It probably would have been better if we had just been friends, but then again, #1, I wouldn't want to be your friend right now for ANYTHING after how you ruined my reputation, and #2 ... FUCK you for leading me on. I don't want to be friends with you anymore. I'm tired of being the nice girl. Guess what? I hope that you motherfuckers see me. I hope that you BOTH see me with him. I hope that you BOTH turn fucking green with jealousy. I hope that you think about me all the time. I hope that you want me back so bad that you can't sleep at night and you want to call me, but you don't have the balls to do it. I know you don't. That's a fucking fact. I know that you wouldn't risk it. I know that you wouldn't want him to pick up, because I'll tell him where you live so damn fast that you won't have a chance to escape before he gets to you. Make no mistake, he knows what you did to me. He knows how you treated me, and he is not happy. But guess what? I don't care about you anymore. I've finally let it go now. I can move on and be happy with him. And he makes me happy. He makes me happier than I've ever been in my entire life. He makes me want to be myself. He makes me want to live my life. He makes me want to get up in the morning and go to work, no matter what is going on, because I know that he will be there waiting for me. How does it feel #1 and #2, to know that you are both worthless to me. Now, when I see you, instead of running away, I can stop you and say, "You know what? Fuck you for what you did, but I don't care anymore. It's all in the past. Just know that if you ever do it again, I won't be filing a complaint that can just get shredded. I'll be fucking you up in a completely different way." :) And that's all I have to say about prior relationships. I'm not going to be bitter anymore, and I'm not going to regret anything. I'm going to move on, finish this deployment, and be with the one I love.

Well, I have succeeded in writing about 10 pages worth of letters to Rob explaining how much I miss him and all. I think that it's safe to say that we're in those beginning stages of relationship-ness where we're both like obsessed with one another. I really think that maybe I shouldn't write so much ... oh well. He knows how I feel about him, and that's all that matters. I'm glad that he feels the same about me, though. Kind of makes things a little easier.

On the flip side of everything that's been going on here lately, I really do miss my friends. I mean, Wendi especially. It was really weird to go back to the states for leave and not see her. I'm so used to seeing her on leave that I guess I just got kind of used to it. I miss her though ... all the jokes that we shared and all the fun times that we had together. I'll be glad when I get back permanently so that I can go see her little ass. LOL. Plus, I can't go without seeing the MOMMA!!!!!! LOL. I love her mother to death, and I really will be happy to see Wendi and her family. We've gotten close over these past like 5 years. It's good to know that I can always find a friend in her and that she'll always be there when I need her. I hope that she realizes how much I really do miss hanging out with her. When I get back, I think that we should take a trip to T-town and get some damn Krispy Kreme!!!! Hehe. That sounds like a plan. I don't really like to think about it all that much, but I'll be happy when I get back to Alabama to see my friends and family. I mean, I would like for them to meet Rob, and I would love for him to like them. I don't think that I would be able to have a relationship with Rob unless he got along with Wendi at least. I mean, it seems like he gets along alright with my father, which is good, but I also have to have him like my friends. Wendi will like him no matter what because he treats me right, and I'm almost positive that he will like Wendi.

Another thing that's been on my mind is Ken. I haven't talked to him in a long time, and I'm beginning to worry about him again. I mean, yeah, I had very strong feelings for him, and I'm sure that I always will, but he and I are supposed to be friends, and I haven't heard from him in a long time. It's really difficult, to say the least, to try to deal with all of this stuff without him. I mean, I know that he's pissed off at me, but he should be able to get over that. I mean, I waited around for him for a long time, and I was there for him through a lot of shit, and I would just like the same in return. I know that he still thinks of me as a friend, but I'm not so sure that he still thinks of me as a GOOD friend ...

Other than that, schedule as usual. I'm doing pretty much the same exact thing as I was doing before I left to go back to the states, but CPT McGinnis is back! Yay! And soon, the other people that I don't really get along with will be gone, so I won't have to deal with them anymore. It's going to be me and CPT McGinnis for a couple of days by ourselves, so we're going to have to work extra hard, but that's alright. He and I can get it done, simply because I know how he works, and he knows how I work too. So, us working together is going to be a good thing. Plus, there is so much that I can learn from him. There is so much that he can teach me ... whether it be something to do with this job or just medical in general. He's a very knowledgeable guy, so I'm lucky to be able to work with him.

Other than ALL of that stuff, not much is going on. I'm just kind of hanging around today. It's my off day. I'll be back in the groove of things by tomorrow. Good thing, too, cuz I have a detail on Tuesday. :P

Well, I am back from leave officially now. Back in Afghanistan. Don't get me wrong. I had a wonderful time while I was home, and I'm glad that I went when I did. It worked out just fine. I loved spending time with Rob, and I'm so glad that we are in one another's lives. It means so much to me to have someone like him there for me. I have thought about this very thoroughly, and I think that it's safe to say that we were meant for one another. He and I are like the same person in different bodies. I mean ... does that sound weird? We're so much alike that it's strange that it took us so long to finally unite. I'm happy that it came when it did, though. This couldn't be a better time for us both. We need each other right now. He needs a person that understands why he does what he does, and I need the same thing. We're a dual military couple, so time in the field and deployments are something that we both understand ... and accept. That's probably the hardest part about being in the military ... your significant other doesn't really understand why you have to do certain things ... and it's just a part of your job. It's not easy to try to have a relationship in the military, but I'm glad that I have that now. It's so much easier going through this deployment knowing that I have someone that has been through this before and that understands what I'm up against ... and also who supports me being in the military as well ... He knows that I do this because I love my job, and I don't want to stop. I'm so happy that he supports that aspect of my life ... and I hope that he knows that I want to make him a part of mine.

Well, here I am in California with less than a week to go on my leave. :P I'm having a blast. There's nothing better than falling asleep in the arms of the man that you love and waking up next to him every morning. Rob and I went to the ball together in Vegas, and I had so much fun!!! It was wonderful. We got a little drunk (:P) and then we shopped. He's a shopaholic just like me. That's alright, though. I love it! LOL. We are spending time with one another and having a wonderful time together. I've met a lot of his buddies, and I love them all!!! It's so good that I get along with them. I introduced him to my friend SSG White yesterday, and they got along pretty well. It was cool. SSG White got married, and he's going to have a little one!!! I'm so excited for him. I talked to Rob's brother on the phone, and we get along pretty well. We were joking around with one another, and we get along very well. We give each other a lot of shit. It's cool. I have yet to talk to his mother, but she seems like a good lady, so I think that we'll get along well. I think that my father will like Rob. He's a great guy. He's really sweet, and I love him to death. We've been having a wonderful time together, and I hope that everything goes well with us. We seem to be moving along nicely in our relationship, and I hope that everything is going to continue in a good way.

Well, I'm like 3 days out and I'm so excited I can barely stand it. :( The days are going by sooooo slow now. :( The good news is that I am leaving soon and I'll be back in time for the ball hopefully so that I can wear my pretty little dress. :) YAY! I don't know what time I fly yet, but I don't really care as long as I get on the bird and get the heck out of here. :| It's time to GO. I've been here long enough for a break, and I'm ready to take one. :P I think that the first thing I'm going to do when I get back is eat some damn Taco Bell ... dammit. I love that stuff. :P Ah, well, I think that since I don't have anything to say really that I should get going out of here. :P

OMG. I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am about to go on leave in like, less than a week, and I am going to see the most super sweet person in the entire friggin world. I'm going to go to the regimental ball with him, and we are staying in Vegas for the weekend I think ... either way, I'm going to get to spend time with him, and I think that is going to be fun. I don't want to spoil it, but I really think that this guy is ... well, I think that he's a keeper. I could see myself spending a long time with him. He's one of those guys that you just don't meet every day ... one of those special kind of guys that you only see in movies and shit, and I find myself wondering "what's the catch?" I mean, come on. He can't be PERFECT. Guess I'll find out soon, huh? Well, I hope that he's great, like he seems. I hear good things! ;) Well, I should go get some food .. but I'm COLD!!!!!!

FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got my leave dates today! HELL YES. I am manifested to fly out of this place soon enough! Less than a month! YESSS!!!!!!!! I am so damn excited that I can barely breathe ... maybe I should get some oxygen ...

ANYWAY, I'm excited about the military ball that I will be attending. I got my dress in the mail yesterday. I tried it on and it looks soooo good! A little tight around the chest, but that's alright. I'm pretty sure that it's supposed to be that way.

ANYWAY again, I don't know what else to say! I'm so excited that I'm just losing all train of thought!

It's so amazing how many things can change over the course of a single day. I went to choir practice with my friend Jenkins on Saturday and decided to sing in the choir at church. Sunday ... technically last night ... was my first time singing with the group at this church, but it was wonderful. And the sermon was moving ... it very much applied to me ... and I find that it made me forget about everything that I've been going through in the past 3 months. Everything seems so trivial when the grace of God is applied ... I find myself re-evaluating all that I have been through ... all of the trials and tribulations that I have faced ... I know that everything happened for a reason. Everything was meant to happen to make me who I am today. I won't back down and let all of that go to waste ... I know what I have to do now. I have to apply myself ... all of the anger that I feel ... all of the frustrations ... I just have to let them propel me forward so that I can do great and wonderful things, like so many others have done. Since I'm on the subject of Jenkins, though ... he's going on mission today ... I guess it's today. I can't really remember the specifications of the mission, and even if I did, I wouldn't be posting them on some internet site ... but anyway ... Jenkins is going to be gone tomorrow, so I'll be by myself. And that's not exactly a good thing. I tend to get myself in trouble when I'm alone, because I don't know when to shut the heck up and just let things pan out. ALAS, that is my life. I'll live it as I see fit. There is only ONE who can judge me, and I feel like I should let other people know that as well, but I'm not going to push it to that level ... unless I have to. Some days, it seems as if I have to do that, but then 5 minutes after I think that, things are okay. I know that I have to be patient ... my time will come. BUT, like I said, Jenkins is going to be gone tomorrow ... er ... today ... MONDAY, and he didn't want to go on that mission. It's things like THAT that get people hurt ... And I don't want to jinx Jenkins, but what if something happens to him? His family? What are they going to do? I hate it when injustices like that are brought upon people. I can't stand it.

BUT, on a lighter note ... I watched Finding Neverland with Johnny Depp today ... I think that it was the best movie that I have seen in AGES. It was sooo sad, though. I was still crying 10 minutes after the movie was already over! It was such a wonderful storyline ... and the plot was developed perfectly ... just enough angst to make it very interesting to me. I like that movie a lot better than I like my FAVORITE movie! Isn't that crazy?! Well, there's nothing much else new with me ... other than what I've already mentioned. :)

I got this bulletin on myspace, reposted by one of my friends. It's a little list of "13 Signs of a Soulmate" ...

13. When your on the phone with them late at night and they hang up but you miss them already when it was just five minutes ago...
12. You read their texts over and over again...
11. You walk really slow when you're with them...
10. You feel shy whenever you're with them...
9. When you think about them, your heart beats faster and faster...
8. You smile when you hear their voice...
7. When you look at them, you can't see the other people around
you... all you see is him/her...
6. You start listening to slow songs, while thinking of them...
5. They become all you think about...
4. You get high just from their scent...
3. You realize that you're always smiling to yourself when you think
about them...
2. You would do anything for them...
1. While reading this, there was one person on your mind the whole
time.....

Now, I must admit that I did have one person on my mind. It was really strange how, when I got to the final one, I was already smiling my ass off and thinking about this guy. Just can't stop smiling! Is this what it feels like to be in love?

So yeah, I'm bored as hell, but I don't want to do anything. Feelin' a little sick, but I'm sure that I'll get over it soon. :) Hopefully, anyway ... ANYWAYS, like I said, I was just bored, so I wanted to write a little journal entry. I'm working on a story, so that's the only thing that is really propelling me forward. The days are rolling by ... it's amazing how quickly time passes ... no one seems to notice. I've only been here for roughly 2 months, but it seems like I just got here. I'll be glad when I'm gone, though. Time is on my side. :) I'm working on my leave and all ... ready to go back to Cali. I miss it a lot, and I really want to go back. It's home for me now. You know "they" always say that home is where your heart is ... well, my heart is in California. I love it so much, and I don't ever want to leave. :) But, I know that eventually I will be getting out of there. I still haven't decided whether or not I'm going to re-enlist ... that matter is still hanging in the air. It's all dependent on what direction I want my life to take. I'm working on my career. I took some college tests and stuff ... trying to get that matter situated in my life. I definitely want to finish school so that I can do what I want ... the question remains, though ... what do I want to do? I thought about going to PA school for the Army. I know that they're hurting for PAs, and it's honestly not a bad career move. Although ... becoming an officer ... something that I've sworn not to do. I love soldier time, and being an officer would separate me from the soldiers ... so that matter is also up in the air. I also thought about just staying enlisted ... but I'm going to have to do some major thinking on that matter, too. If this is the career that I really want ... well, I'm going to have to really step it up a notch. I'm going to have to do some schooling and really advance my career in the military. I thought about airborne school ... or maybe air assault ... but jumping out of planes and rappelling out of helicopters is kinda scary! So I'm still not completely sure about that either. Man, I am the typical woman ... fickle as hell! Can't make up my mind ... what in the hell is wrong with me?

So anyway, I'm excited about the prospect of meeting new people ... always a good thing. So I met this guy ... funny how much we have in common. Even he said that I was a female version of him ... and it's uncanny how many attributes we share. He invited me to the military ball back in Cali, and I accepted. Kind of weird, huh? We met online ... he just got back from Iraq ... and I'm in Afghanistan. He's a tank commander back at Irwin, and I'm a medic ... honestly, that's about the only differences between the two of us. (Well, besides the obvious, of course. He's a guy, I'm a girl; he has dark hair/eyes, mine is light ... you know ... physical features.) Other than that, we are so alike in so many ways. Our personalities clicked immediately, and I could honestly see myself pursuing a relationship with him. Weird how quickly I got over the other relationship ... not that I didn't care about him; it's just that I can't hide in my past. I'm always pushing myself forward ... I try to be as resilient as possible. I did it growing up, and I'm still going to continue doing so.

So, for the time being, I am staying calm, keeping my cool ... hanging in there before I finally get to go back ... I'm really full of anticipation right now. I am so happy that all this good stuff is happening right now. It's finally time for me to be happy, I hope. After all of the bad things that have happened, I feel like I kind of deserve it. I want to live my life for myself and no one else. I want to find something that is going to make me happy ... something that I have worked for ... but not too hard ... something that I deserve to have. Someone that I deserve. Someone that deserves me. After all of the fickle relationships that I have had, it's time for me to finally settle down and be serious. I have slowly moved toward this goal through my life. I had a few relationships, and through each one, I have learned different things. I learned little intricacies that are important to find out about each person ... I learned things to keep to myself and things to say aloud ... I learned the kind of person that I DON'T want ... and for the most part, the kind of person that I DO want.

So, hopefully things are going to start working out for me. It's getting tiring ... monotonous ... so very much ... but hopefully, I am finally going to get what everyone keeps telling me that I deserve. :) So, man, I'm glad I got this journal. I wouldn't know who to talk to about all of this. Don't really have anyone to talk to ... :)

So I filled out my leave form yesterday. :) I am getting ready to go back to California ... here I come, Ft. Irwin ... hope you're ready for me. I am soooo excited! I'm going to be there for the regimental ball, so I'll be going on a little ... well, date. ;) Who knows? I might actually have a wonderful time in Vegas ... actually, I'm pretty sure that I will. Especially since I know the person that I'm going with is a great guy. :) I'm really happy about meeting him, and I'm glad that I'm going to get to see him soon. :) I just can't stop smiling. It's so funny. I feel so giddy right now. :) So, anyway, before I make a complete ass of myself, I'll have to end this.

So, here's basically what's going on ... I'm here pretty much by myself ... there's one other enlisted guy. I think that I've mentioned this before. And now, the only officer that I really get along with is gone ... he's in Kandahar ... and it sucks for real. Now I really don't have anyone to hang out with ... no one to work out with, no one to really talk to when I'm feeling bad ... no one to stick up for me when the other officers walk all over me ... I'm really sad right now. So, I guess that's okay, though. People come and go, right? And he'll be back ... eventually. It's just that as soon as I make friends here, they leave. I'm soooo tired of this. It makes me almost want to not make friends at all. That way, I never get hurt or feel sad when people leave. They're just another person that came and went that I had no ties to so I don't feel bad at all. Well, I don't really know what's going on too much, other than that. Today was an okay day ... no confrontations ... mainly because I avoided everyone ...

Well, hopefully, things will look up for me ... if not, it's going to be a rough 10 more months. :( Well, I just got finished with salsa and I'm pretty tired, so I'm going to go to sleep ...

Well, let's see ... I've had probably a worse day than before. Yeah, it started out looking okay. I was in a pretty good mood when I woke up. Then I went to work and got fucking yelled at for no reason ... all because someone couldn't hear the damn TV. I was asked a question so I responded and then got yelled at by someone else. What the fuck is up with that shit? I mean, if I'm having a conversation, you could at least be fucking kind enough to give me the common courtesy of respect. I don't give a shit what rank you are. I don't care if you are a fucking general. You need to show me some respect and I'll show you some in return. SO, I didn't really get around to writing on my story, but I'm about to do that now. It's crazy how pissed off people get because of little stuff, but I don't. I get pissed when someone disrespects me ... and this guy doesn't treat anyone else like shit ... just me. Only little old SPC Jones. That's it. So is it because I'm enlisted? No. We have another enlisted person. It's because he doesn't like ME. Well, fuck that. I don't like it when I get treated like shit and I didn't do anything wrong. It's fucked up to have to work my ass off and then deal with assholes who think that they're fucking GOD because they have a college education and a fucking bar on their collar. Well fuck that.

Then, I get yelled at again. I guess that I didn't answer a question fast enough. "IT'S A YES OR NO ANSWER!!" Well, fuck you. I'm not at liberty to answer that. I was given specific orders and I followed them, so fucking yell at that person, not me. AND IN THE CHURCH NO LESS! People trying to get briefings and you're yelling at me. Well, that's fucked up in itself. I don't care who's ass you're kissing. I'm not kissing yours. You don't mean shit to me. You don't own me. You don't pay my bills. I'm not going to tolerate being treated like shit. I'm not going to tolerate someone cussing me out because he thinks that he can. I won't allow that. I'll go straight over his head if I have to. I'll make him look like the jackass that he is. I'll prove them all wrong. It's fucked up that I do most of the work and still get yelled at. That I come in 2 hours before them to make sure their day goes smoothly and they don't take care of me. That I make sure they get taken care of and I get fucked in the long run. Well, so much for super soldier me. I'm not putting forth any more effort than I have to. I'm not doing their work. I'm not helping them out. Shit, I'm not even talking to them anymore. Fuck it, man. I don't want to know what they think. I don't want them to think that they have 1 single thing that they can hang over my head when they're done. I'm getting fucked over because they're assholes, so fuck them too. All of them. All of the ones that don't care how they treat people, because they think that they can get away with it because of what's on their collar. All of them who think they're better than me. I proved them all wrong before, and I'll do it again. NO ONE is better than ANYONE else ... no matter what they think!

Well, I started writing to my story today, and boy, I'll tell you ... when I'm pissed off, I can write forever! I wrote a few chapters ... I haven't really decided where I'm going with this story, but it's coming along pretty well. I know that Wendi will be pleased to hear this. :) It's okay, though. I don't mind writing. I think that I'll keep it all up, though. It takes my mind off of stuff here and gives me something to rely on. Well, I don't know what all I was going to say ... damn. I had a shitty day, but it's all good now that I wrote a little. I'm trying to balance right now between IM and LiveJournal, so this is taking me forever to type. LOL. OKAY, let's see where we can get going with this. Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Well, I woke up early, which I really didn't want to do ... but that didn't really bother me. I just got online for a little while and chatted with some friends before getting ready. No prob. Well, work was okay. It wasn't all that busy, so I listened to some music and chilled out. Just hanging around. WELL, that's where it started. Someone that I work with kept asking me the same question over and over and over! It was so damn annoying! So, I tried to let that go. Then someone mentioned something about my uniform not being pressed all nicely. I was furious! I mean, come on, I'm in a warzone, people. Give me a break. But that's not even it. Okay, so I ironed my uniform. I don't care. That's no big deal. Same guy that kept asking me questions keeps on. Pissed by now, people. I am pissed by now. SO, I tried to just ignore it, but you know how that goes with annoying ppl. Well, PLUS, I thought that this one guy that I work with wasn't coming back for another day or more .... wrong. And he and I do NOT get along. So the moment that I saw him, it was like my whole day came crashing down on me. It was just ruined! Man, that's going to suck for me. Okay, keep in mind that I have my laptop in the office ... why? The power was out in all of our B Huts, so I had to bring my laptop to the office to type so that it wouldn't die. So, I'm writing the story, right. Well, everyone keeps interrupting me. Bastards. Oh well ...

BUT, that's not even it. I could get over all of that, and I'm sure that I will. But, then, right when I was going to go back to my room ... the day is done, it's time to relax ... I grabbed all my stuff and what happened? What do you think? I dropped my fucking laptop. Yeah. Luckily, I didn't do too much damage to it. Thank God that CPT McGinnis helped me out and fixed it. That's another thing ... he's leaving, so the one person that I can actually get along with is leaving! That sucks major. It's kind of depressing.

BUT, all is well now, and I am going to work more on my story before my Wendimony freaks out and blows a fuse. I have to get this off to her tomorrow or sooner, and I get the feeling that she's going to be like a slave driver with this story. She won't stop until she's satisfied. LOL